


Last Chance for One Last Dance

by heroineaddict



Category: Big Time Rush (TV)
Genre: M/M, Minor Violence, angsty, the major character death is from old age so it's not like...bad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:14:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23978053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heroineaddict/pseuds/heroineaddict
Summary: Logan knows only a few people in the entire history of the world have been given his gift. He asked a fortune teller once, why he was able to remember past lives, and she'd laughed and said it was "for a purpose."
Relationships: Carlos Garcia/Kendall Knight, James Diamond/Logan Mitchell
Comments: 4
Kudos: 20





	Last Chance for One Last Dance

**Author's Note:**

> Living for Dead Fandoms lately. 
> 
> The major character death is death from old age - don't be deterred by it (but maybe have some tissues handy).
> 
> Please come check out the "Big Time Rush Discussion & Weekly Prompt Forum" on FanFiction.net! It's small, but should end up being a fun place to do gift exchanges and get prompts!

Logan knows only a few people in the entire history of the world have been given his gift. He asked a fortune teller once, why he was able to remember past lives, and she'd laughed and said it was "for a purpose." He'd shot her a dark look and left, refusing to pay her the money he'd offered.

That was sometime in the late sixteen hundreds. He's never been to a fortune teller since.

* * *

The memories aren't always with him; it takes a while before they start to come back. It's always around fourteen. The vividness with which they strike him is earth shattering sometimes; like in 1758, when he was in school and his teacher was lecturing them on the Black Death epidemic of the 1300s. Logan was suddenly inundated with images of his mother, stricken down by the horrible disease, his sister weak in bed, and his own succumbing to it.

He'd immediately excused himself and thrown up outside the schoolhouse.

Sometimes the memories that hit him are good; like in the early fifteenth century. Logan met a young boy his age, who was blond haired and green eyed and brave, so brave, and said he was on his way to being one of the king's knights. Logan remembered meeting him in his previous life, remembered how he'd been willing to follow Kendall to the ends of the earth, and he does every time their lives cross paths.

* * *

He wonders, sometimes, what the meaning of it all is. Some lives he lives older than man ever thought possible; some lives he's struck down young, just when the memories resurface.

And always, in every life, there's James. And always, Logan loves him.

Sometimes he loves James with a ferocity that could shake the foundations of the earth; in times when society cares little for homosexuality and its moral implications James is Logan's, all passionate love and beautiful hazel eyes and Logan wishes those lives could go on forever. Other lives James is little more than his friend, but it's enough, because Logan always has past lives to remember.

* * *

There are only three lives Logan remembers that make all this worth it; the first is around 1415; before America, Logan lived in London. He met James when he was thirteen; old enough to be considered a man back in those days. James was beautiful, working in an apothecary, smiling down at Logan over the counter as he handed him the poultices and medicines he'd come for. They'd stared at each other before James had led Logan to the back room and they fell together in a tangle of limbs and lips and teeth that will be forever burned into Logan's memory. And James was his, until the day he died, at the ripe old age of twenty.

The second life is in 1710; America now, Logan loved colonial times the most. He apprenticed for a doctor, holding patients down as the doctor let their blood to purge diseases. Looking back on it Logan is horrified, but had he not been part of it he would have missed James and his broken leg from falling off his horse. James had no family in those days, so Logan kept him; tending to him like the most legendary of nursemaids. James had a breathtaking smile, and when he pulled Logan down to press their lips together after Logan brought him something for the pain it was like the planets aligned. James was his after that; he never left Logan's house, never moved from Logan's side, and it's easily Logan's favorite lifetime.

The third life is short, both for Logan and James, but that doesn't make it any less meaningful; Logan meets James in 1942, just after the United States entered World War II. They've just turned twenty-one. They're assigned to the same unit, under Kendall Schmidt, one of the brightest generals in the US army's history. Logan smiles when he sees Kendall; he's followed this boy king into battle before, and the ease with which Kendall commands his troops makes Logan wish for such a presence. James is all flirty eyes and suggestive touches, and Kendall turns a blind eye to all of it, making sure the rest of the unit does the same. It's a brief love, though; James dies in his arms in the first battle, and Logan is so grief stricken he doesn't even flinch when the Nazis capture and execute him. It's the only time James was ever killed in front of him.

The purpose of all this still escapes him; now it's the twenty first century, and Logan is just starting to remember his last life; when he was killed in action in Europe. His first memory surfaces when he's in History class with Kendall; they're studying WWII, and their teacher talks about the invasions the US orchestrated, and the memory of James bleeding in his arms hits him like a bullet to his chest. He immediately excuses himself, remembering that time he did in the 1700s and flies to the bathroom, immediately vomiting in one of the toilets.

Kendall finds him and soothes him; Kendall has always been good at that. Logan leans back against him; he's Kendall Knight this time, and Logan thinks it's the most appropriate surname yet, and allows Kendall to hold him.

He's told Kendall before, about his gift; Kendall's always accepted it with the same level headedness he applies to everything else. Logan knows this will be one of the times he tells Kendall, because all he can see in his mind's eye is the life fading from James's eyes.

"What happened?" Kendall asks softly. "I've never seen you get like that in History before."

"It's hard to explain," Logan tries, and Kendall just holds him, knowing he'll speak when he's ready. After a few minutes it all comes pouring out, and Kendall blinks before nodding in acceptance, just like he always does.

"So we've met before?" he asks with interest, and Logan nods; Kendall always has the same reaction.

"I served under you in World War II," Logan explains, "you were an army general." Kendall looks intrigued, and wonders aloud how heroic he was in battle, looking at Logan expectantly.

"You were amazing," Logan says softly, and his heart suddenly aches for James. "I watched you lead us, we followed you anywhere."

"That's so awesome." Kendall is grinning, pleased with his past self, before looking at Logan with concern.

"What about you? Were you as awesome as I was? I bet you were, if you served under me."

Logan shakes his head, allowing the memory to wash over him, of the gun pointed between his eyes before everything went black.

"I was killed," he whispers. "Nazis captured me." Kendall looks horrified, and the smile falls from his face.

"It's okay," Logan assures him, because it is; he can't change the past. "It wasn't the worst way to die."

"There are worse ways?" Kendall asks just as softly. "Like what?"

Logan laughs quietly, envying Kendall his innocence.

"I died from the plague in the thirteen hundreds," he offers, "it killed my whole family." Kendall lets out a noise, like he can't believe what he's hearing and squeezes Logan tight.

"I'm sorry," he says, and Logan shrugs; dwelling on death is unproductive, and Logan has never been much concerned with it anyway, all it would serve to do is harden him.

"C'mon, let's go back to class," he says, shooting Kendall a smile. "I'm feeling a lot better now."

* * *

Two months later James comes into his life again; seeing him is like a breath of oxygen, Logan has never before been so glad to see James's beautiful face. They meet at hockey practice; Kendall is the captain, Logan knows Kendall is destined to command no matter what he does. James is shy at first, barely speaking, but Logan opens him up and before long they're as close as they've ever been.

Another week brings Carlos into their lives; Logan has met Carlos only once before, in the late eighteen hundreds. Once the four of them are together, though, Logan feels a sense of completeness; he knows the purpose that voodoo woman spoke of all those hundreds of years ago. They're meant to be together; Kendall, James, Carlos and Logan, Logan knows no life after will ever compare to this one.

By the time Logan is sixteen he's in Los Angeles, to sing, of all things. But James wanted it, has always been a performer and loved the spotlight, Logan knows he'll be a star. So he follows James, Kendall and Carlos to California, because he's done more things for these three other people that complete his life, he can handle being a pop star.

For awhile Logan is closest with Kendall; Kendall has known him the longest this lifetime, and James gravitates toward Carlos, but then Kendall finds Jo and Logan instinctively turns to James.

James seems pleased with the new level of affection from Logan; they scheme together and James is ridiculous and beautiful, and if Logan sits a little too close or lays his head on James's shoulder while they're watching TV it doesn't seem to matter. James simply slides an arm around Logan, tucking him up against his side and sighing in contentment.

The memories give Logan what feels like whiplash sometimes; once Kendall and Jo break up Carlos and Logan swap rooms, because Kendall had been eyeing Carlos a lot before the breakup, and when Logan walks into the apartment to see them kissing he laughs and goes to find James, remembering meeting Kendall in 1408 and how Kendall had tackled him to assert his dominance. But he has nightmares that night, about ancient Greece, and James is a slave condemned to die that Logan cannot save. He didn't watch, when James was put to death, and instead had left the building altogether, allowing the tears to fall on the marble steps.

James awakes him, concern written all over his face and eyes wide with worry.

"You're crying," he says softly, watching his hand as it reaches up to brush a stray tear from Logan's cheek. "What were you dreaming about?"

"You," Logan wants to say, but James is not his here; not yet, and perhaps not ever. Logan is content with this, there have been lives in which James was nothing more than a polite acquaintance, although watching him charm girls isn't necessarily his first choice of activity. He shrugs instead, and James stares at him, his eyes searching to the depths of Logan's soul, or so it seems and Logan aches for him, to learn him in this lifetime like he did the last.

"No." James's voice is barely above a whisper. "Tell me. You can tell me anything." Logan sighs, because how does one explain a dream that is in the same moment a memory?

"I saw you die." Logan finally finds words, heart heavy at the expression on James's face.

"How?" A hand caresses Logan's face again, threading into his hair and Logan's eyes close.

"Executed."

"For what?"

"Don't remember." It's a lie, but Logan can't bring himself to tell James he was put to death all those years ago for stealing an extra ration of food for one weaker than he was. James lets out a noise and nudges Logan sideways, crawling under the blankets and wrapping Logan up in his arms.

"Right here," he says simply, and yes, he is. Logan knows that, knows that James has always been there, as he always will be.

"Thank you," he tries, and James shakes his head.

"Don't thank me, you're my best friend, it's no big deal."

Logan sighs softly and curls up against James's side as he drifts back off into sleep, this time with dreams of 1716; when James asked Logan to marry him.

* * *

Logan is cautious with his affection with James; this time James seems more inclined towards women, and Logan has never felt such a pain before, such a longing to be with him. He finds himself alone by the pool the next day, face turned upwards toward the sun as he thinks about when he lived in the colonial era, and how James had sat in the grass with him and spent hours just stroking his hair. He jumps as someone sits down next to him, opening his eyes to see Kendall.

"You look like you need to get something off your chest," he says, eyeing Logan as he shoves him over enough to sit on the chair too. "James said you had a nightmare last night. That you saw him executed."

"Just an old memory," Logan says, shrugging his shoulders. "They're always more vivid as dreams."

"Tell me about it?" Kendall asks hesitantly, and Logan can hear the curiosity in his voice. He sighs a little and closes his eyes again.

"In 450 BC I lived in Athens," he says, "in those days slavery was...common practice. James was one." Kendall lets out a noise of disbelief, but Logan can hear Kendall willing him to keep talking.

"They weren't treated all that well. Ancient Greeks weren't cruel, to be a slave in Athens was generally pretty tolerable," he continues, "not like it was in Egypt. That was terrible." Kendall lets out another noise, and Logan keeps talking.

"James was...better than anyone ever gave him credit for. He stole food for a young girl who was starving to death and got caught. I was one of the upper class men in the city, and tried to vouch for him, to save him, but I couldn't. The courts sentenced him to death."

"Logan..." Kendall trails off softly. "I...don't know what to say."

"I've only ever seen James killed once," Logan says hollowly. "In 1942. He was shot, and he died in my arms. That was my life before this one."

"So you're in love with him." It's more a statement than a question but Logan nods anyway, because he always loves James.

"Every life I have, he's in. And every life, I love him. I don't always get him, but the times I do make up for the ones I don't."

"What about me? Am I in all of them too?" Kendall is hesitant still, Logan knows he wants to hear about his past lives; it's a good distraction, so he goes along with it.

"I first met you in 674 AD," Logan says with a smile, remembering the meeting fondly. "You tackled me." Kendall laughs and wraps an arm around Logan, squeezing gently.

"What else?"

"You did it again in 1408," Logan says with a chuckle. "I think it's your favorite way of greeting me."

"More fun that way," Kendall agrees, and Logan feels a little better now.

"You wanted to be a knight back then," he remembers, "you offered to teach me to joust."

"Did you take me up on it?"

"No way," Logan says with a gentle shove. "You were scary with a lance."

"I bet I was awesome," Kendall says indignantly. "And dude, if you're in love with James why don't you just tell him?"

"Because talking about feelings is scary," Logan says drily. "Besides, I don't want to pressure him. He asked me to marry him in 1716, if I'm ever depressed I just think about that day."

"Awww, Logie, that's so cute!" Kendall laughs and nudges Logan playfully, and Logan is aware of how cheesy it sounds, but he's long since stopped caring.

"Asshole," he mutters with good nature; Kendall has always been like this, all playful teasing and carefree affection, and it serves only to endear him to Logan more. "Always have been."

"Makes me more lovable," Kendall jokes, and yes, it's true.

"If I tell you yes it's just going to make you more annoying." Kendall laughs at Logan's teasing, his arm squeezing tight around Logan's shoulders.

"I still think you should just tell him."

"Yeah, maybe."

Logan has never been good at talking about his feelings, but maybe Kendall is right; he's always been in the past.

* * *

James comes to find him later in the day, eyes lined with worry as he plops down next to Logan on the couch.

"You okay?" he asks as he slides his arms around Logan's shoulders. "I've never seen you cry in your sleep like that before, dude. It was all because I died?"

Logan thinks he might be fucked. And not in the good way.

"Yeah," he finally says. "It was really vivid."

"Dude, I'm sorry," James says softly, and Logan turns to look at him, sees something in his beautiful eyes and suddenly James is kissing him, tender and desperate all at once and Logan is in shock, frozen.

"Sorry," James says as he pulls back and surveys Logan with something akin to fear. "I uh, think I misunderstood you earlier and-" His words are cut off by Logan surging forward to kiss him again, and this is paradise, beyond any he's ever known.

"Logan." A whisper against his lips, and Logan smiles as he pulls back.

"I'm pretty sure you didn't misunderstand." James smiles, all bright white teeth and it's ridiculous that James's smile is more beautiful with every life he lives but it's true, so Logan sits back and just looks at him, drinks in his features for a moment, making James stare at him in curiosity.

"Is there something on my face?" Logan laughs and shakes his head.

"Nah, I just like looking at you." James laughs now and pulls Logan into another kiss, and no more words are needed then, because Logan has James again and it's all he ever needs in his lives.

* * *

Logan feels like his life falls back into place after that day; James is his, and Logan has learned him again, not that it takes much. They sing and release an album and Logan's never seen James so happy, not in all the lifetimes he's known him.

James is beautiful when he's so happy.

They go to a carnival one afternoon when they have a week off; Kendall immediately drags Carlos off to some ride where he thinks they can make out, leaving James with his fingers laced through Logan's and a bright smile on his face.

"There's a fortune teller," he says excitedly, dragging Logan over to the tent, pouting at Logan rolling his eyes.

"Look, I know you're all logical and stuff but just...indulge me?" Logan laughs and allows James to lead him into the tent, hoping this won't take too long. The tent is dark and shadowy and Logan is suddenly reminded of that fortune teller he saw all those years ago as they sit down.

"You owe me money," comes out of the shadows, and Logan freezes as the woman that wasted his time in 1684 leans forward into the murky light and leers at him.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Logan says automatically, and now James is staring at him curiously. "I've never met you before."

"I never forget a debt," she croaks. "You owe me money, Logan Mitchell."

"What are you talking about?" James asks firmly. "If he says he doesn't owe you money then he doesn't; my boyfriend's not a liar."

"It's an old debt," she says with a wide grin, "very old. You never tell him, Logan?"

"I don't have to sit here and listen to this," Logan snaps, moving to stand up but James grabs him, shooting him a pleading look.

"I still want to hear my fortune."

Logan sighs and settles back down next to James, shooting the woman a glare as he pulls out his wallet and shoves some money at her.

"There."

She grins at him as she turns to James and begins to read his fortune. Logan tunes out, he's had no use for psychics anyway, silent as James leads him out of the tent and over to a quiet bench.

"So uh, what the hell was she talking about?" he asks curiously, and Logan has never been able to deny James anything, especially not when his eyes are pleading with Logan to explain, to not shut him out.

"I uh, may have met her before."

"I thought you didn't like fortune tellers."

"It was a really long time ago."

"You're only seventeen, dude, how long ago could it have been?"

Logan's words fail him then, because he's never, ever told James about his gift; he wonders how crazy James will think he is.

"Logan." A soft whisper, and a hand on his cheek, firmly turning his head so they can look each other in the eyes. "What is it you're not telling me? Is she some kind of creepy stalker?"

"No."

"Then what? When did you meet her?"

"In 1684." James is silent, staring at Logan blankly.

"Okay?" he looks completely confused, but despite everything, Logan knows that James will understand this, although it might take some time.

"I...met her in a past life."

James blinks and nods, since there really isn't anything else for him to do.

"You remember them?" he asks softly. "How?"

"I don't know," Logan says, "I saw her then, she told me it was 'for a purpose.'" He makes air quotes as he talks, rolling his eyes.

"I refused to pay her, apparently I'm not the only one that can remember past lives." James looks intrigued, and Logan wonders why James doesn't think he's crazy.

"That's kind of cool," he says, smiling and pulling Logan into his arms. "So you remember everything? How long ago can you remember?" Logan laughs softly, leaning into James's embrace.

"Most things. I always remember you."

"We've met before? That's awesome!"

"It is," Logan agrees, James's warmth comforting him.

"So when was your last life?" James is curious, eyes bright as he looks down at Logan, and Logan's heart swells with love for this beautiful man next to him; he wants to shield James from knowledge of his last life, protect the innocence in his gaze.

"I was born in 1921," he says, and James's brow furrows as he works out the math.

"But..." he trails off, looking at Logan in disbelief. "How are you only seventeen? You should be in your nineties."

"Killed by Nazis in World War II," Logan shrugs, the painful memory washing over him again. James lets out a noise, his arms tightening around Logan.

"Did you know me, in that life?" James is hesitant, and Logan knows James is afraid of the answer.

"You were my boyfriend." It's a good enough answer, although Logan knows James will press.

"What happened to me?" He's stuck now, there's no good way to answer; if he shrugs it off James will press and wonder and it will cause tension, but Logan knows hearing how he died will cause James heartache.

"Not sure," he tries, and James scoffs; Logan knew that wouldn't work.

"Uh uh. You do too know."

"I probably shouldn't tell you."

"You probably should. I can handle it. Something bad, right?"

Logan lets out a minute sigh, burrowing into James's arms.

"You died in the war." James laughs softly.

"That's not so bad," he says, and Logan truly does love him for his positivity. "Did I die doing something heroic?"

"Kendall asked me the same question," Logan chuckles. "You and I served under him; he was a general."

"That's so awesome," James says gleefully. "Carlos too?"

"Not Carlos, not that time." A tiny headshake. "This is the only time I've ever lived that all four of us have been together like this. I met Carlos once, a few centuries ago. Kendall shows up every other life or so, but you're in every one. Not many people can say they've loved someone for an eternity."

"Logan," James breathes out, staring at him in disbelief. "Dude, that is so cheesy." Logan laughs and shoves James playfully, smiling when James leans in to kiss him.

"Now come on, I want to go ride some of the rides."

Logan laughs again and allows James to pull him up and drag him off, because he never can resist James's enthusiasm.

* * *

Weeks pass; Logan doesn't think he's ever been so content before, in any of his lives. He knows how lucky he is, to have all three of these amazing people in his life; they fit together like pieces of a puzzle and are a force to be reckoned with. It takes Kendall some time before he's begging them to play hockey with him again; Logan knows well the passion Kendall harbors for everything he does, so he carefully wears James down when he protests that hockey could dismember them.

It's a violent game they play; Carlos has always been incapable of holding himself back when they're on the ice, something Logan knows has played to their advantage on more than one occasion. He body checks Logan hard when Logan steals the puck, hitting him at just the right angle to throw him completely off balance and send him careening into the boards head first.

The next thing Logan registers is staring up into James's eyes, and he breathes a sigh of relief at the sight of them. James's face is lined with worry, and Logan takes a careful mental inventory of his physical state. Nothing seems to be broken, but James wouldn't look at him like that unless he'd been knocked unconscious, and it's at that point that Logan realizes he's in a hospital bed.

"Logan, are you okay?" James's voice is frantic, and Logan realizes his eyes are rimmed red from crying.

"What happened?" he asks, voice cracking from disuse.

"Carlos knocked you into the boards; when you hit the ice your helmet strap broke and it went flying. Fuck, Logan, I was so worried about you, and she told me nothing would happen to you but the doctors all had those looks that mean something is really bad and I don't know what I'd do without you and-"

"James. What are you talking about?"

Logan squeezes James's hand tight, hoping it will reassure him.

"The fortune teller," James replies, still sounding frantic. "She said you wouldn't-" he catches himself and stares down at Logan in horror, like he's said too much.

"I wouldn't what?" Logan presses gently. "You can tell me, it's okay."

"She said I shouldn't, that it was better not to know."

Logan sighs, filled with even more love for this beautiful man in front of him.

"I've probably lived through worse," he says, hearing how jaded he sounds. "Jamie, please. Just tell me." James starts and looks down at Logan with wide eyes at the nickname, and Logan realizes he's never called James that in this life before.

"Okay, well I don't really understand it, but she said you'd know if I told you that you've found your purpose. She said I shouldn't, though, that it could destroy you and that I didn't want that on my conscience and-" James breaks off as Logan squeezes his hand again, because James might not understand, but Logan is pretty sure he does.

He'd thought it himself weeks ago, how something about this life felt different; he knows now it's meant to be his last. Bile rises in his throat at the thought of never seeing James's beautiful face after he dies this time, of never seeing Kendall's steely gaze as he leads them into some new adventure, and Carlos. He barely knows Carlos; but it makes sense, Logan thinks. He's spent an eternity looking for the people that complete his life the way James, Kendall and Carlos do; Carlos was the missing piece, Logan had rare opportunity to meet people of Hispanic or Spanish descent in his previous lives.

"Logan?" James is hesitant, almost scared, and Logan realizes he'd drifted off into his own mind. His eyes snap back into focus on James and need overwhelms him; he pulls James down and crushes their lips together, suddenly desperate to get a thousand lifetimes' more kisses in; there will never be enough now.

"Logan, baby, talk to me," James soothes, hands carding gently through Logan's hair. "What did that mean, what she said?"

"I'm not completely sure yet," Logan says honestly, which is true; he's not going to panic about his time running out until he sees that woman again. "Don't worry about it for now. Where are Kendall and Carlos?"

"Waiting out in the lobby for you," James responds, still looking frantic. "The doctors said Carlos gave you a concussion, and a bunch of other things I didn't understand, but Carlos has been begging to see you since they brought you here." Logan nods, opening his mouth to speak as a doctor comes in to check on him.

They tell Logan they're keeping him overnight for observation, and James immediately offers to stay with him. Logan nods his agreement; ever since James told him what the fortune teller said he's been terrified to let him out of his sight. Carlos and Kendall are let in after a little while, and James steps in front of Logan's bed when Carlos rushes to it, and Logan can picture the look on his face.

"Stay away from him." Logan shakes his head with a sigh, because Carlos didn't mean to hurt him, and the dejected look on his face is apology enough.

"Jamie, it's fine. Let him over here." James turns to fix Logan with a look that's reminiscent of Kendall, daring Logan to argue with him.

"Please."

"Fine." James steps back to allow Carlos to approach the bed, sitting down on the edge and crossing his arms as he glares at Carlos.

"I have a guard dog," Logan mutters as he looks up at Carlos, who seems like he's about to cry. "Dude, no harm done, stop looking at me like you killed me."

"I'm so sorry," Carlos whispers, so Logan pulls him down into a hug.

"It's okay."

Kendall pulls Carlos back after a minute, settling him onto his lap as he looks Logan over.

"Sure you're okay?"

Logan nods, suddenly feeling sick again as he looks at the three of them.

"Dude, you look like you're gonna throw up, are you sure?" Carlos still looks terrified, and Logan nods reassuringly.

"I'm not gonna die on you, not yet anyway."

"Don't talk like that, she said you weren't going to."

"It's a part of life, Jamie," Logan says quietly, and James looks terrified, as though Logan will disappear on him. Kendall lets out a noise, drawing their attention and fixing them with a look Logan knows well.

"You two wanna explain what you're talking about?" James looks to Logan with panic in his eyes, and Logan soothes him with a soft smile, reaching out to take his hand.

"I'm not exactly sure," he hedges, because he doesn't need to make a big deal out of this, not quite yet. "James is under the impression that this is going to be my last life."

"What are you talking about? You only get one anyway." Logan blinks in confusion before he remembers that Carlos is not yet privy to the knowledge of Logan's memories of his past lives. He hesitates, because he's not sure how to both explain and not throw up, so Kendall breaks the silence by clearing his throat.

"Logan can remember past lives," he says simply, and Logan loves Carlos for his enthusiasm; his whole face lights up in delight and he bounces on Kendall's lap with glee.

"That's so cool! Have you met any of us before?" Logan laughs softly, sitting up and sliding across the bed to tuck himself under James's arm.

"Yeah," he says, opening his mouth to explain more when Carlos cuts him off again.

"Who? All of us?"

"I met you once before," Logan responds, resting his head on James's shoulder. "I meet Kendall every few lives or so, but James is always there."

"Dude. That's so sickeningly sweet, it's like a romance novel."

"Babe," Kendall chastises gently. "Leave poor Logie alone about his cheesy love life." Logan laughs again and chucks a pillow at Kendall's head.

"He doesn't mind," Carlos says with a smirk. "So what was I like when you met me? When was it?"

"In the late eighteen hundreds," Logan says, smiling as Carlos's eyes get wide.

"Whoa. So how far back can you remember?"

"I first met Kendall in 674 AD."

"Apparently I tackled him," Kendall chuckles, and Logan smiles again as Carlos glances between them with delight.

"Can you remember farther back?"

Logan nods and sighs slightly, remembering his nightmare from what feels like so long ago.

"One of my earliest memories is in ancient Greece," he says softly, and Kendall shoots him a sympathetic look.

"What?" Carlos asks, looking between them. "What happened?" James turns to look at Logan too, brow furrowed in worry.

"Just that nightmare," Logan shrugs, and James immediately pulls him even closer, stroking his hair gently.

"You wanna tell me about it? All you said was you saw me executed. What'd I do? Rob an ancient Greek bank?"

Logan laughs softly, because James has always been good at this, at taking serious topics and lightening them.

"No," he says after a pause, looking down at his lap. "You stole food for a slave girl that was starving. Stealing was punishable by death for slaves back then." James is silent, and Logan can't bear to look at him, knowing the expression that will be on his face.

"Was I?" he finally asks. "A slave, I mean." Logan nods, feeling the guilt and remorse he'd felt all those thousands of years ago resurfacing, as though it'd happened only yesterday.

"Why do you look like that? It's not like you killed me." Logan shakes his head, turning to bury his face in James's chest.

"I couldn't save you, though," he says, and misery washes over him. "I tried, I pulled every string I had, and it all came to nothing."

"Logan, baby, it's okay," James soothes, hands in his hair and suddenly Logan feels the weight of his lives crashing down around him and he sobs. He clings to James like if he lets go he'll die, and he will anyway, and he'll never see James again after this and it's all too much, he can't stand it.

"Logan, please, calm down," James says, and Logan can hear the panic in his voice so he takes a deep breath and looks up into those beautiful hazel eyes, immediately calming.

"That's better. What was that about?"

"Just...if this is my last life," Logan starts, choking up again. "I'll never see you again after this." James smiles and sweeps Logan's hair off his face.

"Baby," he murmurs, "you still have this whole lifetime with me. We're seventeen, we have all the time we need." Logan considers protesting, but he can't quite bring himself to wipe away the smile that James had put on his face so he nods, allowing James to hold him close.

"C'mon, babe, let's give them some time," Kendall says, standing and setting Carlos on the ground before leading him out of the room.

"What do you need from me?" James asks softly, and Logan shrugs.

"Just stay here with me for now."

"You got it. I love you, you know that right?"

"Yeah. I love you too."

"You'd better." Logan can hear the smile in James's voice, and as he dozes into a restless sleep he thinks of how lucky he is to have this wonderful man with him.

* * *

Once Logan is out of the hospital he searches out the fortune teller; he can't quite bring himself to go alone, but he also can't quite bring himself to let James accompany him either. Carlos solves his problem when he finds Logan near their car, staring at it blankly.

"C'mon, I'll come with you," he says simply, steering Logan to the driver's seat. He climbs into the passenger side and waits patiently, fixing Logan with a smile he can't help but return.

"Where are we going?" Logan can't help but keep smiling; Carlos is the best friend anyone could ever ask for.

"Back to the carnival," he says as he pulls the car onto the road. "James saw a fortune teller I met about four hundred years ago, I want to talk to her."

"Oh. About the lives thing?" Logan nods, eyes fixed firmly on the road.

"So tell me about it," Carlos says after a minute. "I don't really get it. You like, actually remember things? Or what?"

"Yeah. The memories always start to come back like, when I'm starting high school, or when I would have if high school had existed." Carlos nods, brow furrowing as he tries to work it all out.

"And you've only met me once?" he asks curiously. "What was it like?"

"You were a Mexican diplomat," Logan says with a laugh, "or something; I lived in Florida, it was right after the Mexican-American war ended. You didn't speak any English and I barely spoke any Spanish, but I liked you. You were a good guy."

"Well duh, of course I was. I'm a good guy now, right? Makes sense I would be back then." Logan smiles again; Carlos is a lot smarter than most people, excepting Kendall, give him credit for. "So what are you gonna ask her?"

"Well, I have a pretty good idea," Logan says hesitantly. "When I met her in the seventeenth century she said my memories had a purpose, and James said she told him I'd found it. I've never had a life where the four of us were all together before; James has always been there, Kendall's there most lives, but not you. You're some kind of missing puzzle piece, I think."

"And now that we're all together you think this is it?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"That's what we're going to find out." Carlos nods in acceptance, reaching out to grip Logan's shoulder.

"You know it's not that bad, if this is it," he reasons softly. "You've got James, I've got Kendall, and we're all together. If this is the last life you're ever gonna have then why not have the best one yet?" Logan lets out a choked noise, realizing Carlos is right; he's got everything he's ever wanted in this life, it would be greedy of him to expect more.

"Yeah," he manages. "It just. I feel like I'm really dying now, Carlos; I keep thinking of things I wish I'd done, things that would have gotten me James in past lives, and times he died and I couldn't save him. I feel like I wasted two thousand years."

"Dude, you can't think like that," Carlos says firmly, turning Logan's chin to look at him while they're at a stoplight. "Most people don't know they're gonna get another chance, you know? They don't know there's another life waiting for them once they die. There were times when it was awesome with him, right? Times that made it worth it?"

"When did you get so smart?" Logan asks softly, shooting Carlos a grateful smile.

"I'm not as dumb as you all think," Carlos huffs out indignantly, but his eyes are smiling. "You know what you should do? Write it. Write everything that happened to you, and leave it to someone. Like, if you have kids. That way it's always there, you know?" Logan stares at Carlos as he parks the car and shuts it off, because that's both an amazing and terrifying idea all at once.

"Carlos," he whispers. "I'm so glad I met you." Carlos smiles, and Logan knows that Carlos understands him. They climb out of the car and find the booth, and Carlos wraps an arm around Logan's waist while they walk. The fortune teller grins at him as he stops in the doorway, motioning them into the shadowy tent.

"Come, sit." Candles are snuffed and the remaining light turns red as they sit at the musty table, and Logan tries not to laugh at the crystal ball, but it's difficult. Carlos is staring in wonder, reaching down to squeeze Logan's knee reassuringly.

"So James did not as I asked," she murmurs as her hands pass through the shadows. "I knew it would be so."

"James does not answer to you," Logan responds just as softly, hearing the growl in his voice. "Tell me what you told him." Carlos is blinking at him in disbelief, and Logan realizes he's never been so angry before in his life. Relatively speaking, anyway.

"Always, Logan Mitchell, you have searched for the ones that complete your life," she croaks, "it was for this purpose that you were given such a gift, so that you would remember those who you loved and loved you in turn, and that you would find them. You have found them now; do you not feel it?"

"I do." Logan feels his heart race, because this woman seems as though she's readying to drop a bomb on him. Carlos squeezes his knee again gently.

"Then you understand. You have this lifetime with them; the same as anyone else would be granted. You will be prosperous, and happy, but it will be your last." Logan chokes again, feeling despair overwhelm him.

"Why?" She stares at him, wrinkles accented in the red light; she looks like death itself.

"Why should you need more than this?"

"Why shouldn't I?" It's a desperate response, but the panic is returning now, and Logan feels himself becoming angry, because who is this woman to tell him his fate?

"You believe you are entitled to more?" she asks, voice a whisper. "For centuries you have walked the earth, and yet you would continue it? Why?"

"Because I can't live without him." Tears stream down his face now, and Carlos holds him tight, murmuring soothing sounds in his ear.

"Nor shall you have to. You must accept this, if you do not you will have wasted your last lifetime. There is no changing what will be."

"Come on, we should go," Carlos says in Logan's ear, shooting the gnarled woman in front of them a glare. Logan nods and allows Carlos to pull him upright, pausing when the woman speaks again.

"My fee." Her voice is a croak, eyes narrowing when Logan shoots her a smile he's sure looks twisted and unnatural.

"You have told me nothing I wish to pay for." She grins, wrinkles accented in the red light, Logan thinks she looks mad.

"It would be wise to." Logan stares, wrenching himself free of Carlos's grip and moving to tower over her.

"You're threatening me?" he asks, voice a deadly whisper. She simply keeps grinning, and the audacity of it is enough to make Logan raise a hand, as though he would strike her, before his common sense takes over and he reaches for his wallet instead, extracting a few bills and throwing them onto the table.

"There."

Carlos immediately grabs him again and steers him out, sitting them down on a bench and looking at Logan hesitantly.

"Are you okay? I've never seen you look like that before."

Logan nods, because now that he's away from that wretched woman his temper has gone, and instead is replaced by a sort of dull ache in his chest.

"You sure?" Carlos is still hesitant, like he's worried Logan will snap.

"Yeah, dude, I'm okay. She just...I really don't like her."

"No shit." Carlos's laugh is bright and infectious, and Logan finds himself smiling despite himself. "Dude, you looked like you wanted to kill her."

"You'd help me hide the body, right?"

"What else are friends for? Hell, I'll bail you out of jail when they catch you, too." Logan laughs now, feeling a weight in his chest lift.

"You're the best."

"No shit. But thanks."

Logan shoves Carlos playfully, and then they're up and heading back to the car. Logan feels the ache return for a little bit as they drive, but Carlos reaches out to take his hand and squeeze it each time he sees the gloom on Logan's face, which is enough to stave it off until James is in his arms again.

* * *

Once they're home Carlos immediately delivers Logan to James, who's sitting on the couch with Kendall, watching tv. Carlos motions for Kendall to follow him out of the room once Logan is settled on the couch, shooting him an encouraging smile.

"So you went back." It's not a question, but Logan nods anyway, because he's entirely unsure how he feels right now and he thinks if he opens his mouth he might lose his composure.

"She explain what she told me?"

Logan nods again, and his silence seems to unnerve James, who lets out a noise and pulls Logan into his arms to hold him tight.

"Whatever she said, it's gonna be okay. We'll get through this, babe, I promise." Logan shakes his head, because there's nothing to get through, just accepting that this is it, that after he dies he'll never see James's beautiful face again and the thought is enough to settle that crushing weight back onto his chest and he sobs again.

They stay like that, Logan doesn't know how long, but once he pulls back there's a wet spot on James's shirt and a look of concern in his eyes.

"Why are you so upset over this? Talk to me, I want to make it better."

Logan sighs, wondering how to explain it.

"I...it's almost like I've been diagnosed with a terminal illness," he says after a minute. "Every other life I've lived I've done so with the knowledge that there was another waiting for me after, that you were waiting for me after. And now that's over. I'll never see you again after this."

James nods in understanding, sweeping Logan's hair off his face with a gentle smile.

"But we still have this one."

"Yeah. But...there were other ones where I barely knew you, where you died young, they feel wasted."

"Then we'll make this one even better, blow all those other lives out of the water." James's enthusiasm is contagious, and Logan feels himself smiling despite the ache in his chest.

"There's that smile I love so much. You gotta accept this, Logan, because otherwise you're gonna feel like you wasted this life too."

"No," Logan says decisively. "We're not wasting our time together. I finally have a life where I can spend all of it with you, I'm going to do it and not think about anything else."

"Good."

James's smile is brilliant and Logan basks in it, snuggling closer to James's warmth and allowing it to comfort him.

"Thanks," he says softly, and James responds with a gentle kiss to his forehead.

"You don't have to thank me for loving you."

"I know. But still, thanks."

"You're welcome." James holds him for hours, until Logan finally starts to doze, but in the sleep haze of his mind he realizes that he's started to make peace with this. Now, rather than think of the past Logan finds himself planning his future with James; it's the last one he'll have, after all. He can't waste it.

_…_ _Seventy-eight years later…_

Looking back, Logan knew he'd been true to his word. He and James had made the most of their lives together, and at ninety five Logan knew he didn't regret a single moment. He and James had gotten married on the same day James had proposed back in the colonial era, years after Big Time Rush had gone their separate ways. Kendall and Carlos had lived close by, because they were always better when they were together. No amount of time ever changed that.

Logan had taken Carlos's advice and written his story; he'd left it to his oldest daughter when he'd finished it, and she'd taken it with the promise that she would treasure it always. Logan knows, now, that was what made it worth it.

He remembers milestones as he sits and stares at the fireplace in front of him; his wedding, and how stunning James had looked that day. Adopting their first child, and holding his tiny baby girl in his arms for the first time. He'd been twenty seven, ten years after he and James had gotten together.

He remembers watching his children grow up; watching them play and laugh and comforting them when they were sad. James had been a natural father, taking to the task better than he had anything else, even singing.

He remembers Kendall and Carlos's first child; Jo had been a surrogate for them, and their little boy was biologically Carlos's. Kendall fathered a girl a year later. He remembers how silly it felt to watch Carlos chastise his son for being too reckless, because they'd all seen how much of Carlos's temperament he'd passed on.

As he sits and thinks on his life a single tear falls from his eye, because no longer are the memories filled with such happiness, such lightness and joy. He remembers James; his beautiful James, coming out to the world and still having to deal with the hate and prejudice. He remembers holding his husband as he cried, trying to understand how people could hate him because of who he loved.

His memories come closer to the present. He remembers watching their children grow and start families of their own; never before had Logan been a grandfather. He remembers bouncing his first grandchild on his knee, remembers James's chin on his shoulder as he made faces at the little girl. Even in his sixties, James had been beautiful.

He sighs softly; he is all that is left now. Time took Kendall first, just three years ago. Carlos had been devastated, and despair had allowed him little more time than Kendall. He remembers funerals. Clinging to James as they laid their best friends to rest, wondering how they were to go on without them. Another tear falls.

He remembers James, remembers his final days, when the burden of living finally took its toll on the beautiful creature Logan had been blessed enough to spend so many centuries with. It was the second time James died in his arms.

He knows he is ready to let go. As his eyes close one final time he thinks again of his life, thinks again of his James. He sees him again, as the darkness takes him; as he was, young and beautiful. His last breath leaves him in a sigh of happiness. It had been worth it.


End file.
